Mania part Fin
finally some fiction
Peace once so elusive
Meets me where I stand
It all came together
Calise is sleeping peacefully
Gratitude is the feeling
It has finally happened I am excited and hopeful.
On the closing of this chapter.
The sleeping, spending and eating
Feel under control
I feel peaceful and calm
Calise has finally let go and given me my life back
Her cave is dark and cold perfect for a long sleep
When will she return
That is always the question
Hopefully not for a long time
I have been given back my life
Control or the illusion of it
I can tell myself no
I can accept no
Now I get to pick up the pieces
Broken promises and bank accounts
My scale reminds me of the overeating
Now is the opportunity to heal
Thank you for helping me
On this year long expedition to nowhere
The meds are working
Life is easier
I have continued to write but now it is fiction
Sabina
Early morning is Sabina favorite time of the day
When the animals are not afraid and go about their business
The sun hasn’t decided to start the day
It was beautiful
She startled at a sound
He walked with the confidence of a man in charge
As he sat on the log across from the fire she caught his eye and quickly looked away
It was forbidden because she couldn’t speak or look at him. He was imploring her with those beautiful green eyes but she knew better Goodman Ellis has very strict rules on girls being alone with men. He came to her so maybe she would not be judged for this infraction. Standing he brushed the unseen dirt from his trousers her heart leapt as he crossed and stood over her. He gestured to sit next to her on the log she had claimed earlier. She dared not smile so she curtly nodded her head and he sat down. This would be frowned upon but Sabina often took the path less traveled. The thin bodice of her nightshirt wasn’t enough against the cold of the morning she gathered the shawl closer and gave a little shiver. He noticed and scooted closer on the log. How wonderful to be a man and take up space everywhere you go. Her mother often warned her of men like Daniel, rough rowdy men who take what they want from girls like her. He had such kind eyes. His voice cracked a little as he asked “may I” and took of f his coat draping it over her shoulders. It felt warm and safe. “Thank you” she squeaked out. “You are the blacksmiths daughter aren’t you?” he smiled white straight teeth in a perfect face surrounded by ebony curls. He was perfect and waiting for an answer. “Yes” she almost shouted in excitement, he knew who she was. He probably saw her running all over camp after the little ones. They were uncatchable and ran like crazy foxes into everything they were not supposed to. She should know being the oldest at 14 it was her job to keep them under control. Which wasn’t easy not when mama loved how free spirited they were and never made them wash or do chores. When she looked up he was shivering in the cold morning air. Sabina quickly took off the coat and gave it back to him. “no your cold” he laughed “so are you” she smiled “there is room enough for two” he smiled that smile again and draped the coat over both. “is it true what the camp says about you and your sister making things happen?” Rumors were all over camp just because they were of Gypsy blood people assumed they were witches. “no it is just a stupid rumor” although she and Clem had a special gift for finding herbs and flowers to heal most ailments. Ever since Goodie Smith’s pigs died people were wary of her family. Rumors of witches often whispered around fires like this one more than once brought up her name. the only reason they tolerated her family at all was poppa’s skill at making things they needed. The council insisted they cover their heads and the only scarves mama had were noni’s old dancing scarves. The red stood out like blood against the crisp white cornets they all wore. Even the children wore those horrible head covers. She could hear the whispers in camp witches was the favorite. Not a term to be thrown around the last time someone accused a witch two women lost their lives all on the accusation of a little boy who said they were in the woods naked dancing with the devil. A girl could lose her life over that foul word. Sabina was so caught up in her thoughts she didn’t notice Danile’s hand sliding up her thigh. “stop” she whispered with panic rising. Her hand fell on his and pushed but he was so strong he brushed it away like a fly. Her refusal only spurred him on. She could taste the bile rising in her throat tears started racing down her cheeks “please stop” she begged as he paid no attention. When he entered her, she screamed out from the pain. The slap was hard and jolting “shut up whore you asked for this” She felt the tears sliding down her face as he grunted and finished it hurt so much. Poppa had warned her not to be out alone so early, but she thought he was being overprotective. The blood on her thighs and ache in her belly proved he was right. “Go ahead tell everyone no one will believe you Gypsy trash” He laughed They were travelers and welcomed only for the skills they brought. She had assisted the midwife bringing the twins into the world at 14 she knew technically where babies came from, but reality was different. Their fate and winter in these mountains would kill the children So she slowly limped to the river and used to icy water to clean what remained of her innocence.
The sun finally breached the horizon when she got home. Poppa was stoking his bellows
“Why are you walking like that” he asked. “I fell over a tree trunk” Poppa laughed “Oh my clumsy girl be more careful now go get the milk before the baby wakes up the whole camp”
God, she wanted to tell him, but she knew that would bring a death and they would be kicked out to survive the winter alone. As the sun took its place in the clear blue sky she took the bucket to the cow pasture. Tucking the scotch broom rue and mug wart into her bodice she would not bring a child into this madness. She saw a patch of nightshade and tucked it into her bodice as well, maybe this was not over.